The Catholic Church’s heavenly help desk has been taking calls for nearly two thousand years.
One of the great advantages of being Catholic is that whatever catastrophe has just occurred in your life, there is a fairly good chance the Church will look at you calmly and say: “And there’s a saint for that.”
Lost your keys? Saint. Exam tomorrow and you have suddenly discovered there are twelve chapters in the textbook, eleven of which you have never seen before? Saint. Dinner burning? Saint. Baby has colic and has decided that sleep is contrary to the Gospel? Saint. Your situation is completely hopeless? Definitely a saint. Slightly eccentric and considered by your relatives to be “a little unusual”? Oh, the Church has you covered too.
Two thousand years of Catholicism have produced martyrs, mystics, missionaries, monks, nuns, scholars, mothers, fathers, kings, beggars and enough wonderfully eccentric holy people to make heaven appear extremely well staffed.
St Charbel: When You Need Serious Heavenly Backup
Let us begin with St Charbel Makhlouf, the great Maronite hermit of Lebanon, whose intercession is associated with one of the most extraordinary documented records of reported miracles and supernatural graces among the saints. At least 30,000 cases have been documented at Annaya, where his tomb is located. There is something wonderfully ironic about it: St Charbel spent his earthly life seeking silence and solitude, only to discover that heaven had other plans for his appointment diary.
St Anthony: Because You Have Lost It. Again.
Then there is St Anthony of Padua, patron saint of lost things. “St Anthony, please help me find my keys.” “St Anthony, where are my glasses?” “St Anthony, I cannot find my phone.” And somewhere in heaven one imagines St Anthony gently whispering: “You are holding it.”
Keys, wallets, documents, passports, television remotes and that one sock which entered the washing machine in 2017 and has never been seen since. St Anthony has effectively become the celestial Lost and Found Department. Although one suspects he occasionally wants to ask: “Have you checked your pockets before involving the Communion of Saints?”
St Lawrence: When Dinner Becomes a Burnt Offering
Then there is St Lawrence, patron saint of cooks, appropriately enough for a saint traditionally believed to have been martyred on a gridiron. He is famously associated with the rather astonishing line: “Turn me over. I’m done on this side.”
So when the chicken is burning, the curry has acquired the consistency of cement and your guests arrive in seven minutes, invoke St Lawrence. But remember: St Lawrence can intercede. He cannot compensate for you leaving the stove unattended while watching Instagram Reels.
For Exams, Brains and Sudden Outbreaks of Prayer
Then we have St Joseph of Cupertino, traditionally invoked by students and those taking examinations. For eleven months of the year: “Prayer? Yes, yes. Very important.” The night before the examination: “ST JOSEPH OF CUPERTINO, MY DEAREST AND MOST BELOVED FRIEND…”
And when the problem is not the examination but getting the subject into your head, there is St Thomas Aquinas, patron of students and scholars. Even this great theologian would turn to Christ before the tabernacle when wrestling with difficult questions, with tradition recalling him resting his head against it while seeking inspiration. So apparently even Aquinas occasionally needed to take his brain to the tabernacle for technical support.
Of course, neither saint is a substitute for opening the textbook. St Joseph, pray for our exams. St Thomas, pray for our brains. And above all, we ask the Holy Spirit to enlighten our minds, strengthen our memory and deepen our understanding. There you have it: triple-layer technical support for students. But yes, we still have to study.
St Expeditus: Because You Needed It Yesterday
Then there is St Expeditus, popularly invoked for urgent causes. Even his name sounds efficient. “St Expeditus, I have a problem.” “How urgent?” “Very.” “Excellent. My department.”
He does not sound like somebody who forms a diocesan subcommittee to establish a commission that will eventually produce a preliminary report on your request.
But prayer is not celestial Amazon Prime. There is no notification saying: “Petition dispatched. Out for delivery. Expected before 9 p.m.” The saint intercedes. God decides.
St Erasmus: When Nobody Has Slept
St Erasmus, also known as St Elmo, is traditionally invoked for intestinal and abdominal ailments and sometimes for children suffering from colic.
Picture 3.17 a.m. The baby is screaming. Mother is exhausted. Father has walked approximately from Nazareth to Bethlehem around the bedroom. Grandmother has suggested seventeen remedies. Someone is warming something. Someone else is burping somebody. Nobody remembers who. The neighbours are awake. The dog has converted to Buddhism.
At that point nobody is composing sophisticated theology. It is simply: “ST ERASMUS. PLEASE.”
And that prayer is perfectly acceptable. Sometimes prayer arrives before God exhausted, barefoot and carrying a screaming infant. God understands.
St Philip Neri: Because Holiness Need Not Look Miserable
Thank God for St Philip Neri, famous for his joyful temperament, humour and willingness to make himself look ridiculous to puncture pride. He understood something Christians occasionally forget: holiness does not require looking miserable.
Some Christians carry expressions suggesting that the Resurrection has been cancelled. Philip knew laughter could be holy. Perhaps he should be invoked before certain parish meetings. Or after them. Possibly during them.
St Jude and the Rest of Us
Then there is St Jude, patron of desperate and seemingly hopeless causes, which is personally reassuring to the writer of this article.
When Plan A has failed, Plan B has collapsed, Plan C is under investigation and Plan D has stopped returning your calls… St Jude.
And if people describe you as eccentric, peculiar or “a very special character”, meet St Benedict Joseph Labre, often regarded as a patron of eccentrics and outsiders. Apparently the Church looked across humanity and thought, “We should probably make provision for the unusual ones.” Heaven replied: “Already covered.”
But Catholics Worship Saints, Right?
Absolutely not.
Catholics do not believe St Anthony possesses independent supernatural authority over car keys, St Jude performs miracles by himself, or St Expeditus operates an emergency desk somewhere near the Pearly Gates. Catholics worship God alone.
When we ask a saint to intercede, we are doing something Christians do every day when we say to another person: “Please pray for me.” The difference is that we are asking a brother or sister in Christ who has completed the earthly pilgrimage and now lives with Him.
The saints do not replace Jesus. They belong to Jesus. They do not stand between us and Christ as obstacles. They stand beside us before Christ as intercessors.
Call it, if you like, heavenly executive representation. You bring your petition to Almighty God while members of the heavenly family stand with you saying: “Lord, we are praying with them too.”
And miracles? Christians throughout history have testified to extraordinary answers to prayers offered through the intercession of saints. But the saint is never the source of the miracle. God is. The saint intercedes; God acts. The saint asks; God answers.
Sometimes the answer is yes. Sometimes no. Sometimes wait. Sometimes God answers the prayer we should have prayed rather than the one we actually prayed. Heaven is not a vending machine, saints are not buttons and prayer is not a transaction. God’s will remains the final word.
So Go Ahead. Ask.
Need serious heavenly backup? St Charbel, pray for us. Lost something? St Anthony, pray for us. Dinner burning? St Lawrence, pray for us. Exam tomorrow? St Joseph of Cupertino and St Thomas Aquinas, please report for duty. Deadline looming? St Expeditus. Baby screaming at 3 a.m.? St Erasmus. Taking life far too seriously? St Philip Neri. Everything hopeless? St Jude. Slightly eccentric? St Benedict Joseph Labre… apparently we are your people.
And when your situation is so complicated that you cannot work out which saint’s department it belongs to, there is always the Catholic solution: “All you holy men and women, pray for us!”
Because behind us stands an enormous and gloriously diverse family: martyrs and mystics, mothers and fathers, scholars and labourers, missionaries and hermits, the wonderfully normal and the gloriously eccentric. In Christ, we never pray alone.
So ask the saints to pray with you. Then place the whole messy business into the hands of God.
Because the saints may provide the heavenly executive representation…
but God remains the CEO. And unlike most CEOs, He really does hear every petition.
